Its 5 am in the morning now, and I could betcha I’m feeling rather elated that I once have managed to wake up at this godforsaken hour, for atleast one time in my life without being forced to. Even more wondrous might be the impulse I got to blog. What the heck? The poor comp can’t complain, so here I am…

Now – what do I blog about? I see a lot of images fleeting through my head, sometimes screaming out, sometimes giving me just about a touch on the shoulder, sometimes I just wonder if thoughts are some form of negative energy, and are given ‘material’ form only when I pour MY energy to them – wow, now that I actually said it, it kinda feels nice that it COULD make sense to an average geek :D Oh well, time to go on.

I once happened to use the phrase “…in my whole life of 20 years so far…” (Okay, agreed, that’s real dorky when you get it from someone, especially if you KNOW his whole life’s full of shit) and immediately regretted it. You know, I happen to be blessed with an amazingly useless memory, which could give even the legendary ‘Prof forgetting his pants’ a run for his money, but consider this – If, for instance, I were asked to correctly mention and write out my whole life as I know it, without the self-induced masala like the document you’re reading right now, ( :P Hee hee ) but rather more like a documented record of the happenings as I remember them, I wonder if I can be out with anything more than a year’s worth. My whole life’s been spent trying to be a winner, somewhere or the other. Or trying to be a loser, with equal eagerness and zeal. And all I can remember are flashes of scenes long seen, but unobserved. You know, as a human, you are endowed with greater abilities, higher sensitivity, and most importantly, the capacity to put into words what you feel, see, hear, touch and taste, contribute it to the unspoken database of human knowledge, update it if possible, and you take leave, just as you came. I’m not trying to be spiritual here. I’m just a guy who’s calling you a monkey with brains. Nothing more. But not nothing less.

I’ve had a grueling time for the past one week, having brushes with Lady Bad-luck far more times than for comfort. Probably that caused me to peruse my own “dictionary of thoughts”, as I privately call it. I was once a person who believed that if you wanted to document patterns of thought, the very effort would put you neck and shoulders above Freud the fucker. But then, that perusal resulted in a weird encounter – when I tried to pry from my memory the first time I got a tooth on my fleshy jaws, the first time I cried willfully without it being an elaborately planned tantrum, the last time I was up in my mum’s arms, the little pangs of jealousy that arose when I saw my kid sister for the first time – all in vain. I don’t remember. Why, I swear I can’t even remember the ‘ordinary things’ that would happen to me all my life. The only impressionable memories I still hold on to in the vivid-est clarity are ones of pain, humiliation, loss and also, hate. (As Mark Anthony remarks – “The Evil that Men do, lives longer!”) I don’t care admitting, but I remember being poor, I know the first time I nearly knocked out my dentist with a well-landed punch and everything that one wouldn’t enjoy having stuff for memories. Gee…am I alone? But still - I wonder – I would LOVE being given a boon to watch myself being born and raised through a third person’s eyes, like a movie or something. Especially the moment I decided to land on Planet Earth. Boy – I bet I would’ve been wicked to look at! :D

I have been sleeping like a log. Now let’s make one thing clear. Logs don’t sleep. It’s just that some idiot in history who might’ve found his pal difficult to lug out of bed, might’ve thought it would be fancy to call someone a piece of wood. What the fuck? And worst thing is that the entire mankind took to using it. Atleast the English speaking blokes, who have adages which sound REAL dumb. Well anyway, coming to the subject proper, ( Boy – I’m sounding like that sick bastard on stage in an elocution contest you’ve SO wanted to punch right?! He he ) I’ve been sleeping too much – alone, I might add – well, SO much that I can’t sleep during the nights. I tried sleeping at 2 today, and I woke up at 4 like someone whacked me on the ass with a 10000 volt boot. Weird – my “sleep” is now shortened to 3 hours max. It is now a ‘midnight siesta’. Anything more and the digestive system goes kaboom. Gotta take care. Sheesh!

I’ve been meaning to do some reading this week. Either someone flicks the book just when I want it, or I ACTUALLY doze off after 40 pages in a row. What in heavens’ name is going on? And oh – there’s Cogni down this weekend. What a crappy fest. Atleast this time. This might arise possibly out of sulking that I wasn’t the number#1 guy (but the #2) in the department, but still, its crazily gone out of control. I remember spending two nights-out on designing a nice flex, but then the #1 comes up and tells me he’s going to recolour the old flex we had and put it back up. Crappy, isn’t it? See? Told ya.

I want to be. And it’s not incomplete as a sentence. I was. I am. And I want to be. That’s all that bothers me. Strangely, it is nothing more than responsibility towards a mass conglomeration of humans who helped me survive so far, ‘educated’ me in human ways, that’s making me ask further – Be, as who? How? By when? Where? The sad part is that I ADMIT that I do not know the answers. I don’t know what I’m gonna be, and what I want to do. As I said before, I am frankly reminiscent of probably the one thing I am SURE I was up to – fiercely, even savagely, wanting to win. All these years (there I go again! Damn!) I’ve been driven singularly by the impulse to BE superior. Hey, come on – I was a kid with a (bad) vision! Top the class – Why? Coz its tough. Do the dirty monitor-giri in the class. Why? Coz the brainiest guy needs to be the tough guy. And being the tough guy is tough. Get to Ramiah – Why? It’s almost bleeding impossible to get in, that’s why! The big question – IIT – Why? Naah – redundancy forbids me here. Now suddenly you realize you’ve been a funny jerk all your life, and are out to correct it. My best friend had the balls to do it right when he saw it all. I, for one, atleast compared to him, am a coward, and am only doing all I can to prevent the jerk-giri, if not correct it all. And here’s my resolve. I will do what I WANT to do, even if it’s the murkiest thing in the world. My parents, expectedly freaked out when I told them this, but I knew nobody understood this more than them, who both chucked their complete education to try a totally new domain. And ruled the goddamned thing, for a while, atleast. I am not trying to “do an MS for a better job”, or “MBA because I’m fit nowhere else”. For fuck’s sake, my life is supposed to be SUPERIOR to all those pathetic ‘wretches’ in colleges with don’t have the dreaded dual-‘I’-s in them! It is NOT supposed to be remainder of choices that arise out of elimination, but CHOICE itself! To all those who (very thankfully) care for me and give me advice, here’s to you. Thanks for being there. But, fuck you. I’m trying to find something where I’d be PASSIONATE to work. Let me look. I learn the hard way, and if you know me well, I wouldn’t have it any other way either.

My life might actually be at its end by the time I really find what I’m looking for – it might be, a valid possibility, of course. But those minutes where I lose myself, working out of pure joy – are enough for me. To those lovely ‘imaginary’ moments, I dedicate this.